Lost in a Day Dream

and even harder to comprehend, when you know that the one person that has given you SO much to be thankful for, gives you so much to hurt and almost wish you had never met them. I just, I can't even express how this understanding alone, tears me up inside. To know that she has given me, so much. Hope. Love. Understanding. Courage. Belief. But now... greif, confusion, anger, and worry.

How can I go on, every word she speaks, I have to question. I miss her, I miss the way she made me smile and laugh. I can't honestly say the last time she made me smile, or laugh. Now, it seems, I'll never be able to get where I'm meant to go. I've wasted, almost an entire year away. Waiting on false promises. Her lies, my dreams. I know she doesn't deliberately do it, and mean to lie.

But her lies, her false truths, her fake promises, they fucking hurt. And I'm near done. I've been near done for so long now. Almost since before she even left. I can't take it anymore. I've decided, if she doesn't buy the tickets in the next few days, her and I will officially be over. I will divorce her, I will have nothing to do with her any longer. I wont do this anymore. I can't. I'm wasting away, on maybes. It's just not worth it.

-Kaiden

I find myself, right now, needing to speak to him, so badly. He knows me, in a way I need help with right now. Yes, Kash knows me more than anyone in the world, Ann third to Kash and Angel.. But Angel, he knows me, just as well as Kash sometimes, and especially when it comes to this subject.

He said something to me once 'I've always loved you, but you've always loved someone else' I need help with this. Because, I'm so tired of people getting hurt, because I can't love them, the way they want me to. I find myself wanting to email him, because I need his guidance right now.

But, I wont let myself. Because I always feel that just by talking to him, hurts him. And I know it does. It's why he doesn't talk to me hardly any at all. Like ever, except when he gets too depressed, and he's done something stupid, like drinking poison O.O and he wants to apologize and tell me he loves me in case he doesn't make it.

I opened up my life to him, offered him a safe haven with me, he denied my proposal, so I can't help that any longer. I've moved on. I found Kash, and I still have Ann. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm happy, right? I think I'm happy. I believe I'm happy. Of course, there's things I'm not happy with, but eh. That's life.

Angel broke me, and I've mended. Kash healed that wound, and gave me more than I could have ever dreamed of. Funny, Ironic, because Angel told me it would happen, though not in so many words. Still though, I miss him. I miss his friendship, his guidance. I taught him, and he was supposed to teach me. He said he would.

He's proven to do everything but. Hasn't even spoken a single word to me in months. Not since the last time he was thinking about suicide, begging me and Ann to go to him in Colorado. However, Ann had already gone to Michigan, to try and make a better future for her and I. I, was stuck here in Arizona, miserable and alone. No way to get to Colorado, to him.

That was the last time we spoke. I gave up after that last conversation, disappointed. I was friends with Kash by that time, and despite I didn't fully understand my feelings for him, nor our connection.. I still yearned for more, than what I had. With Kash, I am no longer yearning, at least not in that sense. I only miss my teacher. My angel. My guardian, my guide.

I know, that only Angel can teach me certain things, important things that I need to learn, to be complete. Whole, despite I'm damn near close that already. I need to learn, about me. And, I need Angel's help in this last part. Why do I know it's Angel that I need? Why do you know you need food, when you're hungry? Why do you know you need water, when thirsty?

All of this, was brought on, because of something that's happening with a good friend of mine, regarding me, and who I am. Same thing happened with another good friend of mine, whom I miss terribly. It just got to be too much for her, and she had to back off, meaning ending our friendship too. Is that what Angel has done? But why? I had said.. whatever. That is neither here nor there. I don't want to lose this friend for the same reason.

I need Angel's guidance, to help me fix this. Because, it can be fixed, right? It.. It.. has to be. *Sigh*

Where is my Angel?

just felt like you were there, and nothing more. Just...there. That's what I feel. I have countless thoughts and feelings rushing through my brain, but I'm not really able to capture them to make any sense with them. It kind of sucks.

I also hate that I can't get my thoughts out any more. Why? It's really annoying. I can't even blog like I used to. I can't keep my mind focused on a single thought long enough to start to even get the thoughts out, whether here, or verbally, or anything. Really fucking sucks.

>.<

Kaiden.

001.name: Kai
002.d.o.b.: 2/3/84
003.location: Mesa
004.religion: Druid
005.occupation: Looking

APPEARANCE
001.hair: Short, brown.
002.eyes: Dark green with a small ring of brown in the center.
003.height: Eh

STYLE
001.clothing: Jeans, wife beater and t-shirt.
002.music: I like all kinds.
003.make up: Why?
004.bodyart: Soon I'll be getting my tongue pierced, as well as snake bites. A couple of tattoos coming soon as well.

RIGHT NOW
001.wearing: Black wife beater, and boxer briefs.
002.listening to: House, S4EP12
003.thinking of: My life partners; Kash and Ann
004.where are you?: In the back room at my grandmothers house.
005.who are you with?: Just me and Starlite right now. Pretty puppy.

LAST THING
001.bought: Hmm, I don't honestly know, it has been so long since I had money.
002.ate & drank: Tea, and a twinkie I guess.
003.read: Literally? <- Unless you mean book wiseish, then HP7
004.watched on tv: God, it's been forever since I watched any TV. I watch tv shows online.
005.said: Outloud? 'Come on Star..'

EITHER / OR
001.club or houseparty: Hm, club?
002.tea or coffee: I love both
003.achiever or slacker: I am actually both, I slack and then I achieve.
004.beer or cider: neither
005.drinks or shots: drinks
006.cats or dogs: cats, and dogs.
007.single or taken: Married to Ann and Kash
008.pen or pencil: colored gel pens
009.gloves or mittens: this is Arizona, don't need either
011.cassette or cd: Psh, Ipod.
012.coke or pepsi: Dr. Pepper
013.hard or mild alcohol: hard
014.matches or a lighter: lighter
015.sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: never heard of either
016.Rickie lake or oprah winfrey: Ricki Lake, and Oprah Winfrey

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
001.kill: noone
002.hear from: Ashleigh
003.get really wasted with: Kash and Ann
004.look like: Hm, myself.
005.be like: I like who I am right now.
006.avoid: Ignorant people
007.kiss: Kash, and then Ann
008.be with: My loves.

LAST PERSON YOU...AND WHEN?
001.touched: My mom I guess when I hugged her bye.
002.talked to: Kash, a few hours ago, before we went to bed. I got sick, so I'm awake again. Going to bed soon though.
003.hugged: My mom, two nights ago.
004.instant messaged: Kash
005.kissed: My mom, on the cheek.. Kiss kiss? Ann, before she got out of the van to go into the airport.
006.who broke your heart: Broke my heart? Sheesh, um.. damn. Uhh.. Destiny? Maybe.. I dunno.
007.Fought with: Ann?
008.You talked to on the phone: Kash.

WHERE DO YOU
001.eat: Don't understand the question...
002.dance: I don't dance
003.cry: my room I guess
004.wish you were: In Georgia, with my loves.

HAVE YOU EVER...
001.Dated one of your best friends?: Yes
002.Loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: Yes
003.Drank alcohol?: Yes
004.Done drugs?: No
005.Broken the law?: No
006.Ran away from home?: No
007.Broken a bone?: No
008.Cheated on a test?: No
009.Skinny dipped?: No
010.Played Truth Or Dare?: Who hasn't?
011.Flashed someone?: No
012.Mooned Someone?: Yeah, I guess.
013.Kissed someone you didn't know?: No
014.Been on a talk show/game show?: No
015.Been in a fight?: Physical fight? No
016.Ridden in a fire truck?: No
017.Been on a plane?: Loads of times.
018.Come close to dying?: Yes, I was in a bad car accident when I was 15.
019.Cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend?: No
020.Gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride?: No
021.Eaten a worm/mud pie?: The fake ones yes, the ones you get at an icecream place...
022.Swam in the ocean?: Mmmhmm, yeah.
023.Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up?: Yes, often.
024.Had sex: Yes
025.Wanted to die: Of course.
026.REALLY kissed someone of the same sex: Yeah

RELATIONSHIPS....AND THE MUSHY STUFF
001.Girlfriend/Boyfriend: I'm married to Ann and Kash
002.When and who was your 1st crush?: Ashleigh, I was 12.
003.What do you first notice about the opposite sex: Attitude, smile, eyes, everything else...
004.Your idea of a perfect date: Hm.. I don't really think about that stuff?
005.How romantic are you?: Uhh.. I dunno.
006.My Ideal guy/girl: Kash/Ann
007.Name a moment that you thought was really sweet: It's 6am, I've had 20 minutes sleep since yesterday morning, ask me later.
008. Your first kiss: What kind of kiss? Kiss kiss? Hm, Tom was probably my first..
009. Do you have a crush: Yeah, I crush on my life partners every second of every day.
010. How long was your longest relationship: Hm, 3.75 years.

WHAT IS...
001.The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: New Kids on the Block
002.Your bedroom like?: I don't have one yet
003.Your favorite thing for breakfast?: That is a toughy, I don't usually eat breakfast.
004.Your favorite thing for lunch?: Don't eat that either.
005.Your favorite thing for dinner?: Lemon chicken with Rice and lemon sauce.. yum.
006.Your favorite Restaurant? Pancho's

FUTURE
001.What day is it tomorrow?: Monday
002.What are you going to do after this?: Go back to bed.
003.Who are you going to talk to? Kash, and Ann.
004.Where are you going to go?: Georgia, then Ireland.
005.How old will you be when you graduate?: o.O
006.What do you wanna be?: Happy
007.What is one of your dreams?: I'm living my dream.

ARE YOU...
001.A Vegetarian?: I should be, if it wasn't for my love of Lemon Chicken I would be. I hate meat.
002.A Good Student: Yes
004.Good at wake boarding/snow boarding: Neither
005.A Good Singer?: I am ok.
006.A good Actor/Actress?: Yes, I am very good.
007.A deep sleeper?: Depends, not normally.
008.A Good Dancer?: Maybe if I tried.
009.Shy?: I think I am, but others think differently.
010.Outgoing?: Around people I'm comfortable with
011.A good storyteller?: Sure
012.Last words?: Hm.

Ok, so.. this is getting on my nerves. This tude I'm in, but I can't seem to shake it. It went away on its own as I slept last night, only to return by a couple of words said to me. So, whoopie. Just like the tude came on from a couple of words said to me last night too. And for all of you who are 'losers' and don't know hat 'tude' means? 'Attitude.' Pretty simple if you actually fucking think. You know, that's what we do with our brains. Or rather, that's what we are supposed to do with them. Most of you don't do that, hell I don't do that sometimes too. So, don't think I'm just ragging on you, cuz I'm raggin on me too. Fuck you, fuck me. Woo. Let's party. Not.

-Kai

10.20.08 Horoscope: If you can get a little bit more analytical about your emotional life, today, you should make great progress is solving one particular problem that's been hounding you. When you get some free time later in the day, take yourself out for coffee or a long walk and just think. Examine the repeated patterns that have shown up in your life. Dissect where you are and where you want to go. There is a small change you can make to end the cycle and start off on a more rewarding and exciting path.

Kash says to just come to GA.. and everything will be fine. I know I want to be in GA eventually, even if I had gone to Michigan with Ann, I knew I'd wind back up in GA. HOWEVER, especially after reading my horoscope, I can NOT just go to GA like Kash is asking of me. Examine the repeated patterns that have shown up in your life. Dissect where you are and where you want to go. There is a small change you can make to end the cycle and start off on a more rewarding and exciting path. This right here I believe is referring to the fact that I just pack up and leave.. going where ever, to be with someone. Where has that gotten me??? With Kristan.. yeah it got me out of my moms place with the drugs etc.. but I lost everything in the end.

I left to go to Florida, and look where that got me. Raped, and made to be something/someone I'm not. Miserable day in and day out. Almost lost and abandoned in a foreign third world country, countless times. Fearing for my own life... Only good was I fell in love with my daughters, but again, I lost EVERYTHING. Including them. Then.. we have Destiny. I left here, to go be with her.. Wound up losing all my savings, and spending all my credit, with was 20,000+ in total on her and or her family. One year there, and I left. Losing everything again. Didn't even get to take my belongings home with me.

See the trend?? I even went to Cali, despite I knew I shouldn't have to be with Ann... she said she would come to me.. thankfully I didn't lose anything but sleep and patience. Why? Because she came back with me. Now, I have no problem going to Michigan, if she could actually get me there, but by the looks of things, excuses after excuses are just becoming more of a trend with her... Reason I have no problem going there? Because she would be going with me. Coming back here to pick me and the kids up, and going there together. That would mean I would have a solid foundation.. I just know that's what it is.

I can't just sit here and save up my money to go to GA.. like I am prone to do. I don't want to jinx it not only for me, but for Kash. I love him too much to do that. He needs to come here. It wouldn't have to be for long, just long enough for him to be here, and us to go back together. That is the only way I will go to GA. I've decided that's the only way for me to go anywhere any more. If I'm going to be with someone, I have to go with that person. No more just upping and leaving. I had decided that when Ann and I started. She even told me I shouldn't do that anymore. That's why she promised me, she'd come to me. Despite I went to her, but that was spur of the moment.

Hadn't planned on staying there. I've paid for doing that too, lost everything in both the storage's. All I had left...that was mine has since been lost, and I do know it's because I again uprooted and left, despite not having planned it. It probably wasn't as bad, because she had promised to meet me, to come to me. And she did keep to her promise, one of the few she has actually kept.. she did come back to Az with me. And now shes up in Michigan, with out me.. and look where we are. To the point where I'm going to tell her.. enough. To do what she has to do, while I do what I have to do.

I've wasted enough time, waiting on her. Her and her false promises. Her and her lies, and yes they are lies. No matter how you look at it, they are lies. She can wait til I get to Georgia, when ever that may be, before she goes to pick me up. She should like that better anyways, it's only 12 hours away. Versus 40 hours away. I don't really know what else to say or do about it. She wants to be with Kash and I, she needs to go to Georgia, because I can't even guarantee I'll go to Michigan now. I might just stay in Georgia, since it's where I want to be anyway. Until we go to Ireland that is. Hopefully by then, Ann will at least have gotten it together enough to be able to come along.

I want to be with her still, I want a relationship with her, she is still my wife. She is still Kash's wife. We aren't 'leaving' her. We are just tired of waiting for her to come around, when it's obvious she isn't going to any time soon. Both Kash and I are wasting around...waiting. For what? Exactly. Well not any more. No. Not any more. I think that's all I want to say right now, so yep. I'm done.

Byes.

is just so incredible. It really is. Scary, but amazing and beautiful all at the same time. I don't know what I would do with out them, to be honest. And, I hope I never have to find out. I pray I never find out. I will do whatever I can in my power, to never have to find out. God if I could get my thoughts in order, I would write this huge blog about it...but alas, I can not. So I will not. Boo.

-Kai

My lovers, my best friends, my life partners. Mine.

Ann and Kash <3 Forever -Kai

For, my Luna



J'ai demandé à la lune
Et le soleil ne le sait pas
Je lui ai montré mes brûlures
Et la lune s'est moqué de moi
Et comme le ciel n'avait pas fière allure
Et que je ne guéris sais pas
Je me suis dit quelle infortune
Et la lune s'est moqué de moi

J'ai demandé à la lune
Si tu voulais encore de moi
Elle m'a dit: "J'ai pas l'habitude
de m'occuper des cas comme ça
Et toi et moi on était tellement sûrs
Et on se disait quelques fois
Que c'était juste une aventure
Et que ça ne durerait pas

Je n'ai pas grand chose à te dire
Et pas grand chose pour te faire rire
Car j'imagine toujours le pire
Et le meilleur me fait souffrir

J'ai demandé à la lune
Si tu voulais encore de moi
Elle m'a dit:"J'ai pas l'habitude
de m'occuper des cas comme ça
Et toi et moi on était tellement sûrs
Et on se disait quelques fois
Que c'était juste une aventure
Et que ça ne durerait pas

This song, makes me think of her, despite, I know she would never mock me...

Mine and Ann's Luna, was hit by a car, when the neighbors, out of vengence, or whatever, opened up our front gate (for the second time) and let the dogs out when I had let them out to go pee before we went to bed. With in 4 minutes, she had been hit, and no, she didn't die. But she can't walk. We can't afford to take her to the vet, since every dime we are getting is going to rent, and trying to make a home for us out in Michigan, where Ann currently is, working, while I stay here to get things in order for the move.

We were forced to surrender her to the humane society, and it broke my heart. But, my heart was breaking more, as she laid in my lap, crying and whimpering in pain, while her front paws bled. She was hurting so bad, and I couldn't help but cry. She didn't want me leaving her sight, she needed Daddy. She would cry, asking me to please make the pain stop. I didn't know how, I couldn't. I took as much of it as I could from her, to the point she eventually fell asleep. But the poor angel still could not stand, it was obvious she needed medical attention.

After finally getting hold of Ann, we made the decision to go ahead and give her up, letting her have the chance to be properly taken care of, and then be adopted out to an even better home than the one we provided her. I cried, I did, giving her away. It broke my heart, but, it was for the best. I will always miss our Luna. Our little spaztic pup. I had really grown to love her. I love Star, but there was something in our Luna that.. none of the other dogs possessed. Maybe it was her trusting nature, her loving nature, the one that said, as long as we smiled at her, and cuddled her, everything would be alright.

She gave us that sense of belonging in the world, made us know everything would be alright. Even when she drove us crazy, barking, because she desperately wanted out of the kennel to play with the cats who were rough housing right out side it. Her and Corey had bonded, in a way I didn't think was possible. They would cuddle, which wasn't something I had expected from either animal, towards another. She was the first and only dog I had ever had, that would speak on command.

She went from being the worst night mare of a pet, pissing every where, hyper as fuck, annoyingly so. To being... an amazing, loving, caring dog. She is just 8months old, and I pray for her, to have what we couldn't give her. I had never expected either, that she would ever have become the best dog I had ever had. And, that's saying something. Because Star is amazing, but Luna... was, my Luna. My moon, my serenity. My solace.

The song above, I would sing to her, and she would just cuddle up on my lap, and listen. She loved that song, probably because it has her name in it, but still. I am going to miss her. I do miss her.

Why do I always........do for others?

Why, do I let them use me?

Why am I, the way I am?

I can not change this, I've tried.

No matter how many lifetimes, I am like this still.

Why?

Why do I sacrifice myself, for those, who would not sacrifice even a small fraction for me, as I do them?

Why am I here, exhausted, beyond measure?

I don't understand why.

Pourquoi est-ce que la lune brille clair, quand le soleil disparaît dans la nuit?
Pourquoi les océans planter le rivage, quand la lune commence à augmenter une fois de plus?
Pourquoi sommes-nous ici, au lieu de là, quand il semble que personne ne donne une soins?

Tout ce que je demande, c'est ce que je donne, mais quand je donne inaperçu, est-il erroné de vouloir la faveur retourné?

-Kaiden James